OART #14: S-U-C-C-E-S-S

If there's one thing we all might agree on, it's that we'd like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does "success" mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?


During my hiatus, I've missed a few Open Adoption Roundtable discussions, so I was pretty stoked to see this sitting in my inbox this week. And quite timely as well, since I've recently upped my adoption status from "troubled" to "good" even, dare I say... "successful". It seemed sort of fake to me to do that, since all that really changed is that AM and I interact more. Is that really all it took? It's hard to believe that a year ago I was convinced that the door was going to shut and I was going to lose contact, then again, it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that we've now gotten to the point where I'll be hanging on the couch watching TV on a random Monday night and an IM from AM will pop up on the screen. There was no real defining moment that created this shift in dynamic, other than adding eachother on Facebook. Was that really all it took?


In a word? Yes.

Turns out, AM and I always had the tools it took to have a successful relationship. We cared about one another. We were honest. We trusted eachother. However, we lacked the one key component that a good relationship cannot thrive without: communication. As I look through this blog, every low point that has been a result of a lack of communication. I'd write and AM wouldn't respond. I'd think there was something wrong and get upset. I'd guard my emotions and make assumptions. AM could tell in my e-mails that something was up. She'd react. She'd reassure but never follow through. Maybe she was going through some emotions with my return into their lives, but because she never said so, I didn't know. And so on and so forth until I was pretty much sure that it was over. And then I saw she joined Facebook and I requested her. She accepted. Turns out that avenue of instant access changed everything. I didn't have to ask AM for pictures of M, there were now TONS of them at my fingertips. Through status updates I now know when something newsworthy is going on in the house. (like the day M committed to her college) And she could see the same of me (like when I had announced the birth of Little K) Plus I got to know her internet habits, she's a quick checker as opposed to someone who's on for hours. She may not answer my three paragraph e-mail, but she'll leave a comment on a status of mine that catches her eye. Despite what I had always thought, she IS taking an interest in what goes on in my life and who I am. Enough for her to realize that M and I would benefit from knowing eachother. And the more she IMed me or commented on my page, the more she communicated that to me, and the more confident in the relationship I got. I learned that I needed the confidence in order to keep the relationship going.

Sometimes I wonder if you asked AM about the earlier years, if she'd admit things between us were strained at times. From my perspective, our relationship was always successful: she was M's mom and she got to broker the relationship. She called the shots on behalf of M, so she had the ability to tailor the relationship to her needs. If things weren't successful, she could alter the arrangement by putting comunication on ice or increasing contact and she had a captive audience. For her, was it control that made our relationship successful?

Or does it go back to that bond we share? Our mutual and unconditional love for M that keeps us always talking and always interested? Our respect for our individual roles in her life?

The most important thing right now is that it's working, hopefully enough to pave the way for a successful reunion. Whatever that means :)









A few years ago I was introduced to a family who was built through open adoption. I was always slightly jealous of them, because they had what was